My relationship with China
I’ve found an appropriate metaphor for my time in China. It’s just like the evolution of a romantic relationship. In the beginning, I thought about moving to China with the free abandon of those first moments when you meet someone new. I was giddy, talking to anyone and everyone who would listen to my far-flung idea. Some said, “But you don’t even KNOW China! How can you feel this strongly about something you don’t even know?!?” Then, I had to make the big commitment. I quit my job, bought a plane ticket, packed up my worldly possessions and committed to a country I knew little about, all because of a certain “feeling” that I couldn’t shake.
When I first arrived, everything was new. I look back on entries from the beginning and blush to remember that newness, the innocence, the amount of unknowing and the giddiness. Everything was seen through rose-colored glasses. I was walking on air and found excitement and wonder around every corner. Now, with the passing of time, my relationship with China is more stable, more predictable, more comfortable. The rose-colored glasses are off. I’ve had my first difference-of-opinion, my first squabble, my first nervous breakdown (Where is this all GOING? Where are WE going? Are we moving in a forward direction together?), but I’m still here. China and I are still together. We’ve weathered our first couple of storms.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying this has become more difficult than enjoyable, I’m just saying the newness of this relationship has passed. And with it have gone those days of giddiness (sad to see them go) and uncertainty (for the most part). In the mornings now, when I wake up, I feel at home. I feel good with China, and I think I’m ready to say it: I’m in love.
But, when you come to this point in a relationship, there are new questions: what does a life together mean? What sacrifices or compromises are required? What kind of commitment am I willing to make? And often, there are deadlines we put on searching for the answers to these questions. For me, the deadline is June 30th, 2007. On that day, I will have completed my contract with the Wuchang Experimental Primary School. As many of you know, I am considering going to grad school in the fall of 2007 to begin a master’s degree in China Studies. By 6/30/07, I need to have found a lot of answers. Up until now, I was trying to figure out how well China and I got along. Now that I know we’re compatible, a whole new challenge lies ahead. I’ve been putting off writing my second admissions essay for the UW program this whole week. My application is on hold and needs to be resubmitted to the admissions committee. The guidance counselor asked me to submit the new essay along with a reminder email to her by the end of October.
So far, I know that I’d enjoy pursuing this degree, but what happens after that? For my undergraduate work, my plan ended at getting into the Industrial Design program. I’ve learned a lesson from not having a plan that goes a little further. But, as in relationships, you can’t plan out the future if you hope to have that future include anything other than yourself. Living, breathing entities are tricky that way. Everyone says China is going to explode onto the rest of the world (as if it hasn’t already) after the Beijing Olympics in 2008. What if it doesn’t? What if Communism keeps this country quiet and to itself? What if? What if? What if! Here I am at the stage of the relationship where one starts to go a little cuckoo. Let’s just hope China is as patient and understanding as a partner can be under the circumstances. In the past, I’ve tried going with my gut on big decisions like these, but what if my gut seems to be saying “no” only because the fried noodles at lunch from the little stand on the side street aren’t agreeing with me anymore.
So you see, I’ve got a lot on my mind these days. Except, for now, I’ve given myself a little bit of a reprieve. Autumn is the BEST time to be in love. And I’m going to enjoy this new realization until the sharp, cold air of a Wuhan winter knocks me serious. In the warmth of my apartment that could be Anytown, Anywhere, I’ll figure out where this relationship is going.
